Even on This Train Track

How do I hear a whisper in the midst of all this noise?

Staying home, and still they find me.

Stuck inside, and yet they penetrate the quarantine walls.

No invitation necessary.

No welcome needed.

Not even an open door

(Or a tightly closed one)

They're just here.

In my mind.

On my screen.

In my heart.

In these walls.

Where is the still, small voice?

I awaken from fleeting sleep and

(Blessed, elusive sleep)

stumble into the bathroom.

In a daze

And a haze.

For just one blessed second

Before the train rounds the corner and

Blows its awful whistle

Of reminder.

For one brief, transient moment

I walk in a glorious sea of forgetfulness

Before that relentless train

Smacks into my pummeled soul once again

I look across the hallway

And I see you there

Seated

Battling a difficult math problem

Or maybe just trying to muster the will

To do an easy one

Their way.

No matter.

Just as it comes into focus

The image is gone.

Like you.

And I can't get you back.

How can you be gone?

Your beautiful self

Your beautiful smile

Your gifted eye

Your clever retort

Your very being

Vanished and irrecoverable

I feel the tears spring to my eyes

And quickly fill them to overflowing

Again.

Tears trickling down familiar lines

I am weeping again.

Again.

I fight the urge to bury this pain

Deep

Where it can't hurt me

(Yeah, right)

Where it can't find me

(Hello again)

The grinning, terrifying voice

Of the Accuser

Haunts me

I will not hide.

You prepare a table right before me

In the presence of my Enemy.

This grief

This blame

This guilt

This threatened hopelessness

It is here again.

Again.

I turn to face it

Embrace it

Bring it to Your loving hand

I will fear no evil

No Evil

Even in this Valley

Of the Shadow

Of Death

I will walk through

("The only way out is through")

And find peace

Goodbye, dear Joshua.

Snuggle in.

Your Father is glad to have you Home

The Shattering of That Beautiful Glass

I can't find any words.

Usually the poems write themselves

In the wake of the pain

Or the joy

Or the confusion

Or the wonder

And the mist

And the tears

And the laughter

And the longing

Swirl and pour onto the page like, like

Like what?

Like that damn river you posted on your Instagram

The page we didn't even know about

Until you were gone.

You are gone.

I can't believe you are gone.

For a moment I'm convinced 

I can see it now.

Should have seen it.

Should have known.

It's hazy

But clear

Clear as mud.

Maybe made up.

Maybe the product of a grief-strained mind

And a broken heart

Awake for more hours than makes sense

Leaving me unable to make sense

Out of senseless things

And this is senseless.

Infuriating.

Excruciating.

Heartbreaking.

Unreal.

I cannot make my brain believe it

Or my heart receive it

Or any part of me accept it as so.

This cannot be so.

I try to ignore the little glimmers

On the Instagram page.

The one you hid from us.

I close my tear-stained eyes.

I whisper to myself

It's just the artistic kid

With the camera and the good eye

Capturing the beauty of a risky moment

You stare down the gaze into swirling waters

You prance on the ledge of the narrow bridge

"I want to go back" 

and "Take me with you"

and "Don't say you were there for me

when I've been walking alone

my whole life"

"Don't slip under the surface"

You capture the shattering of that beautiful glassy ice

And I can't believe the sound of it.

It plays over and over in my mind.

The drop that destroys

Leaving us shattered

"You're going to be alright, I promise"

Only we're not.

We're not alright.

Staring down the chasm of grief

I reach into my memories

For your sunny self

Full of love

And joy

And jokes

Josh joshing

I swallow hard

Past the lump in my throat

And choke down the tears that try to come again

This.

Can.

Not.

Be.

True.

But it is.

And I cannot wrap my brain around it.

Cannot make my heart conform

To this particular truth

I know that you are finally held

In the arms of your loving Father

The true One

The One who never left you

Or forsook you

Even in the final moments

Of blinding pain

And poor judgement

Those moments do not define you.

That one choice is not the totality of your life.

You are freed from the noose

Of a horrible choice

Into the arms of your Savior

Who held you all along

And holds you still

Now whole, and healed

Forgive us for our part in your pain.

Forgive us for the selfish choices we made.

Forgive us for the ways we did not see.

Forgive us, Josh.

Forgive us, Lord.