The Gift of Such a One

Today two of my favorite people on the planet married each other. 

For both, this is their second marriage. The second time they've promised to love, and cherish, and have, and hold... forsaking all others—promising all of it "for as long as they both shall live." 

We promise to do this thing "until death parts us." And the first time—you know, when you're 20-something and don't know much at all about marriage, or love, or the world... or anything, really—you speak those words like they mean "for a really long time," or maybe even "forever"... but in this far-off, distant, never-really-gonna-get-there way that makes sense, when you know everything—and nothing—all at once. 20-something.

This time around, they know—and I mean know—what they're promising. At 50-something, they've lived it. For one, the holding of the hands through decades of cancer's ravaging scourge, the hands cupping the face until the bitter end of the journey... gazing into wild eyes lost in the pain of this unnatural departure. For the other, the devastation of the broken vow, the fracturing of what was believed to be secure, unbreakable. "I would like to end it," and holding tight through the tempest of all that ensues. The devastated mother and son trying to find footing in the world gone mad, with the departure of dad.

I have prayed with, and for, both of these precious ones—each one walking the path of pain and loss and hope and trust, each one seeking the will of the One who holds them fast "while sea billows roll." So to see them find one another... and to find love again, in one another... has been one of the deepest joys of this season of my earthly life. Thank you, Lord, for redemption and joy and gladness, in the midst of all the pain and sorrow and grief that accompanies us on this journey called life.

I process things in poetry—always have. The urge is always strong to take to stanza and verse when I want to communicate something deep, and tricky, and a little bit elusive. This is the poem I wrote when they asked me to speak at their reception, sharing a little of what it has meant to walk through this with each of them, over years. As the one who has known each of them longer than anyone else—most in attendance had only known one or the other, but not both, for any length of time—I got to speak. This poem was part of my offering.*

The Gift of Such a One

“You find your Cheris and Kathys and Christines," 

I had told my girls.

“They don’t come around very often. 

So you find ‘em and hold on tight!”

Something happens 

when you’re friends with someone 

from your youth 

And you grow up together

Over years 

And seasons

And seasons  

And years

When you’re in it for the long haul.

Maybe. 

Hopefully.

But you never really know for sure

Now do you?

Because sometimes you’re great

But sometimes you’re awful

And there’s no hiding it 

from the forever friend 

Gracious 

And kind

And generous.

But sometimes rude

And selfish

And mean.

Arrogant

And proud

And so very self-absorbed 

One can never really know 

if the friendship

Is gonna hold.

Is gonna make it.

Is gonna take it.

Is gonna survive the different stages

And seasons.

And all the stuff

That dreams are made of

And fears

And hopes

When you walk through life.

Through pain and sickness and grief and loss. 

There is only one that will never leave you nor forsake you

Never walk away

Never choose to go

But sometimes in the midst of all the betrayal

And all the loss

And all the fear

And all the pain

He gives the gift of one

who reaches out

And takes your hands.

“Ssshh. There, there.

Let’s walk together.”

And he wraps his fingers carefully in yours

Fixing his eyes firmly on what may come

Thank you for the gift of such a one

Who whispers, “I’m not going anywhere”

And somehow makes me believe it

And for a blessed handful few others 

Thank you for bringing them to me

And then, to each other

© 2024 Laurie Sitterding

*Wedding photo credits: Danielle Haudricourt

The Last Time

The last time I held your hand

Could have been today

Had I been brave enough 

to reach out

and feel the cold.

 

But I wasn’t

And now you’re gone

 

Were they careful when they carried you away?

Respectful?

Was there honor and reverence at the privilege

Of bearing the bones

Of so great a man

On his one last journey?

One last car ride.

One final trip. 

 

From my quiet corner

I watched the birth kids hold

the cold hand.

And kiss the cold, yellowed brow.

And brush the full head of magnificent hair.

One last time.

One last sob.

One more deep, guttural groan of grief. 

 

I stood silent in the corner

Willing myself to watch in wonder

In spite of your breathless chest 

And your ever-smiling eyes 

Shut tight.

No furrow in the 90-year brow

At all

Anymore 

 

(What do you now know that we don’t?)

 

I, the one who came to this family late.

Taking his name… your name.

 

In law.

What a phrase.

So transactional.

It could never capture what it is to love a man

And then be invited into his family.

Loved like a daughter.

But not quite.

 

Of course, not quite

the same.

Not really the same at all

as the one who is bone of your bones.

Flesh of your flesh.

The perfect reflection of the perfect one you chose 

all those years ago.

Who departed all those years ago

And left you with her mirror image 

growing up 

before your eyes.

 

You loved me the best you could

As the one who stole your son

Then made him a father

And you a grandfather

And then a great-grandfather

 

I loved you deeply.

Fiercely.

And with not a little frustration, at times.

Just like you loved me.

 

I wanted the last time I had held your hand 

to be when it was warm.

Gnarled, curled fingers

Wrapped around mine

Squeezing a thank you you could no longer speak 

 

That’s the hand I will remember. 

 

And the one that reached out into the air

Grasping for things unseen.

Trapped between two worlds 

And ready to go 

 

I don’t know who I was that day

When you reached out and buried your hand in her hair

And caressed her head with such tenderness

But I will remember that hand 

Buried against my cheek

And weep 

© 2024 Laurie Sitterding

/////////////////////////////////

I process things in poetry. Always have. The heavier the thing, the stronger the drive to take to stanzas and verse. 

For the last 11 weeks we have been on a rollercoaster ride with our dear Opa, through two big falls, two brain bleeds, one brain surgery, lots of hard work and physical therapy, lots of wishes to leave this earth and go home to be with the Lord. It’s been exhausting to lose this summer (entirely—like I didn’t even notice it pass, because it was filled with working and visiting Opa, and little else). 

The details of the journey are unimportant, but the final end is that he passed into eternal glory yesterday, 11 weeks to the day after the first of two falls. I will miss him every day of my life until the end of it. He was a constant fixture and presence of wisdom and wry humor and smiling eyes and a deep, gruff voice that greeted me always with “Moooorrrgen,” whatever the time of day. I am just beginning to process what it means that he isn’t here, though I have imagined the day for over a decade, since his beloved wife departed earth ahead of him, and far too soon. Indeed, the Smiling Eyes have joined the Delightful Laugh on streets of gold. In fields of green. By quiet streams.

This is the poem I wrote, using this month's writing prompt for Poets Online—to use the phrase "the last time" in some way. It was chosen for publication. I wonder if Opa would have been proud... or maybe just a little bit embarrassed. 

Rest well, fine sir. I miss you every single day. I know I will see you soon... for "what are days and weeks and months and years," really?

Some Recipes That Are Working for Us

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 12

There is a steep learning curve with this shift. There's no getting around it. 

If you're not accustomed to preparing your own food at home, you have several life shifts going on at once. It will get easier for you, but it will take time. Just take it one day at a time and simplify!

But even if you have been making your own food at home, for the most part, and are just having to change what that looks like, this change is still going to seem impossibly difficult, if not unsustainable, for the first several weeks. Hang in there! It does get much, much easier. I promise.

Here is a link to a recipe blog that we started years ago, mostly as a way for several of us to share recipes when friends asked for them, or we wanted to share them among our family and friends. A few of us use it regularly, but most posted once or twice and never again. There are all kinds of recipes on there, posted by all kinds of cooks and all kinds of eaters, using all kinds of ingredients.

I have clearly marked all the vegan recipes with the vegan tag, and you can search for them easily. This is where I'm posting a lot of the recipes that have made their way into our repertoire since we've made this shift.

Click here to navigate to that Sharing Recipes blog, and once there, feel free to join that community using the link in the sidebar at the website.

Good luck! You can do this! It gets easier every single day...

Coming soon, by popular request: Part 13, The Well-Stocked Vegan Pantry and Kitchen

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

What a Typical Day Looks Like

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 11

As I mentioned earlier, one of the big changes we fell into after our first few weeks of eating this way, was to switch to eating our "main meal"—think the typical heavier "dinner" meal most Americans enjoy each evening—to the middle of the day instead of at night, unless we are eating socially with others and need to work around more standard mealtimes. (I recognize that having the big meal midday would be challenging if we were not both working from home at this point. More on this point later.)

Lots of folks have asked me what a typical day of eating looks like for us, so here it is, loosely chronicled. Since I don't really know which parts of this protocol have worked together to alleviate my pain, I am reluctant to alter or remove any of these practices at this point. It's working for us, so we're not modifying things much.

That said, here's what food and exercise look like in a typical day for us.

EXERCISE: Each morning (after devotions and reading the news and catching up with texts and emails and such), we usually walk 3 miles or so with our dogs at a 16–17-minute/mile pace. This is done on an empty stomach, with nothing having been consumed but some water. The fresh air and sunshine and birdsong and movement are all really pleasant, and I really miss it if I don't get it. We do this most every morning, rain or shine, and are usually done by 8 a.m. or so.

Again, previously—before this switch, during my "pain-full" years—I was not able to walk this far or this fast. But walking even a little bit each day did help keep my pain at a manageable level even in the old days, so I assume it is a very important part of keeping oneself pain-free. I highly recommend getting out there and moving all your limbs and joints by walking. If you have some other beloved workout routine that is already working for you, then by all means, keep it up!

I've also recently taken up Pilates, as it feels like a really effective, really safe way of moving and strengthening my body—and I do not fear hurting myself, which I used to do quite frequently when attempting to work out at the gym or using free weights at home. (My body was previously riddled with pain and very injury-prone, all the time!) So, in addition to the daily walking, I also try to do a 50-minute Pilates workout almost every day, if I can craft it into my workday and other responsibilities.

INTERMITTENT FASTING: It's also worth mentioning again that we try to eat within a condensed window ("intermittent fasting") as much as possible, which for us looks like not eating in the morning before sometime between 9 and 10 a.m., and then trying not to eat at all after sometime between 5 and 6 p.m. We don't pull this off exactly this way every day, of course, but it is just the usual attempted goal. This narrows our eating window to around 8 hours, and widens our overnight fasting window to around 16 hours. Lots of really good things happen when your body is able to fast daily for this long, focusing its reparative energy on things on other than digestion.

Since my husband and I are both working from home, we are able to prepare food and eat it at various times over the course of our waking hours. However, the typical meal/eating patterns we have fallen into look something like this:

BREAKFAST (as late as practical, but always after 9 a.m.)

* fresh juice on an empty stomach

NOTES: I alternate here on different days between purified water with the juice of one lemon on one day; fresh celery juice on a different day; and a fresh green juice of celery, cucumber, lemon, and a granny smith apple still other days. I use an Omega juicer for the fresh celery juice or green juice. (Omega and Champion are good brands.) For the lemon water I just use my little hand juicer for the lemon. This is mostly governed by how much time and inclination I have on any given morning to go to the trouble of the more-involved juices...

* some variety of oatmeal bowl

NOTES:  We eat some sort of organic oats every morning, prepared very differently to enhance a feeling of variety. 

--> cooked steel cut oats (organic ones sometimes at BJ's or Sam's; otherwise I order Bob's Red Mill organic steel cut oats through Amazon)

--> cooked rolled oats (GF organic ones sometimes at Costco; otherwise I order Bob's Red Mill organic thick-cut rolled oats through Amazon)

--> "raw bits" (uncooked rolled oats soaked with homemade almond milk) 

It is very important to buy your oats organic. It is one of the crops most sprayed with glyphosate and other poisons (along with wheat and legumes). They are sprayed twice during the growing process to fight pests, then again at harvest as a desiccant so that they can force two rounds of growing in one season. 

To the oats bowl we add: 

* finely diced spinach (remember, "beans and greens with every meal"!)

* smashed white beans of some sort (navy, cannellini, great northern, garbanzo)

* any variety of fresh fruits and berries (diced or grated apple, diced or mashed banana, berries, kiwi, peach, mango, fresh pineapple, etc.)

* a small amount of some sort of raw nuts and/or seeds (sliced almonds, whole almonds, crushed walnuts, crumbled pecans, sunflower seeds, hazelnuts, etc.)

* hemp hearts or raw pumpkin seeds daily, for protein

* freshly ground flax seeds and ground chia seeds daily—I use a designated coffee grinder for this

NOTE: I will try to vary this so it feels different every time, but we LOVE having this breakfast every morning, so we wouldn't mind if it felt very much the same each morning. There are times I feel almost manic after my juice and my breakfast bowl, I feel so good compared to how I used to feel eating my other "regular" diet.

DINNER (early afternoon, usually sometime between 1–3 p.m., but dependent upon when breakfast was, and what the day looks like) 

NOTE: We've taken to that old vintage tradition of calling the main meal served in the middle of the day, "dinner"—and the later, smaller meal (if consumed), "supper." In our new way of eating, "lunch" is usually reserved for referring to a meal eaten out with friends at a more conventional lunchtime, around noon. 

The thing that helped my transition out of the initial "this is impossible and unsustainable," and into "I think I can do this"—after about the first month—was to switch to this way of timing our eating/thinking about food prep: 

(1) breakfast, followed by

(2) one big, main prepared meal—for us eaten mid-afternoon—and 

(3) the other (evening) meal as a light, snacky sort of a meal—for us eaten between 5–6 p.m., and only if we're actually hungry.

I do believe that eating the main meal earlier in the day—and going to bed with a relatively empty stomach—is a huge part of the success of this program. Whenever your body is sleeping, but unburdened by digestion, it can focus on autophagy and other reparative functions that help keep your body functioning well. You can read all about this in the books I recommended in an earlier post.

The main midday meal is usually some combination of fresh organic veggies, whole grains, legumes, and nuts or seeds, prepared without the use of any oils or refined sugars. It's more delicious than it sounds, and there is much more variety than it might seem like on the surface!

At first, I couldn't just "throw things together" and was very tied to recipes—which was time-consuming and frustrating—because everything about this way of cooking was new, and I didn't know what to do at all. I had to look literally everything up. That is all gone now, and I can throw things together at the drop of a hat like I used to do, from whatever ingredients I have on hand. Often, I will chop the veggies and dry sauté them with just salt and pepper and an all-purpose spice blend, then ask my husband if he wants dinner to be Asian, or Southwestern, or Indian. The base is fundamentally the same, and only how I would shift into seasoning it and making the sauces and sides would be a little different.

I always make quite a lot, so that we can eat it again in the near future, and I can still freeze some for later. This way, I always have a few things that I can pull out of the freezer in a pinch, so I don't have to cook from scratch every single day.

SUPPER (evening, but not every night. Around 5 p.m. we start to "check in" with ourselves and decide if we're feeling hungry and will want to eat another meal this day. If so, and I have the energy and the hankering, I'll cook another light meal. But most days, this last "meal" looks something like a sweet potato and greens, or a rice cake with peanut butter and sliced banana, or bias-cut carrots and homemade hummus, or a salad with chickpeas. I don't do a lot of heavy meal prep for this evening "meal." (Think of the way most folks handle lunch on any given day. For us, that smaller, lighter eating happens at suppertime.)

So, that's it. That is a skeletal outline, in a nutshell, of what this way of eating can look like on a day-to-day basis. It gets easier—both practically and psychologically—every single day. If I were not working from home during the day and therefore able to prepare and serve our main meal midday, I would be preparing the main meal when I got home from work at night but eating it the next day midday, at work. It's a little more work that way—and nothing is ever quite as good reheated as eaten fresh—but rather than eat the heavy meal quite late, after work, I'd prep several of them ahead of time (over the weekends, in the evenings after work, etc.) and eat them midday. Of course, you'll find whatever works with your particular life and goals and practices, as you go along.

I also highly recommend that you download Dr. Gregor's Daily Dozen app (published by nutrition facts.org) which is available in the Apple Store and I'm sure there's one for Android as well. This is simply a daily checklist where you can check off the recommended number of servings of several different food categories, to help you be sure you are getting enough nutrients and calories and plant protein to thrive with a whole food, plant-based diet. It's free and quite handy to use, and it has lots of helpful information about different foods as well.

If you have read all of this post and still have specific questions about daily food prep, feel free to reach out to me or to leave them in the comments.

My best advice? Give this way of eating a try—a real, full-fledged, no-cheating, "all-in" try—for a predetermined trial period. (I recommend three months, but you'll know after only one or two if it's helping you at all in any ways that matter enough to you to continue.) Get a physical. Have your bookwork done. Step on the scale. Then give it a try and see where it takes you.

And if you have the sort of miraculous results that we did, let us hear from you!

Read Part 12, Some Recipes That Are Working for Us

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

A Word About "Cheating"

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 10

First things first, I should probably 'fess up that yes, sometimes I "cheat." 

Our general policy with this new way of eating is to eat food that is as “clean” (pure) and unprocessed as possible—in the form that it grew in, eaten either raw or cooked. This is what "whole food, plant-based eating" is.

Sometimes I do “cheat,” however—but only in certain areas... and I try to have it be rare. 

I never cheat on the vegan piece or the gluten-free piece. No animal products and no gluten, ever. 

The other pieces I do sometimes “cheat” on, in the following (rare) ways:

- Refined oils. I’m sure that when we eat out, refined oil is used, even in the vegan/GF food we select. I don’t use any refined oils at home for cooking. (No, not even organic extra-virgin olive oil. Not even organic coconut oil. Not even organic avocado oil. Especially not any “junk” oils like vegetable oil or corn oil or canola oil!) True confession: we do sometimes have popcorn with a little high-quality olive oil from the exotic local oil and vinegar tap house (and nutritional yeast!) on it.

- Refined sugar. I am very strict with this piece of the puzzle because when I cheat with refined sugar—think a GF pastry treat from the local vegan bakery, or a Chick-fil-A “sun joy” i.e. “Arnold Palmer” here—the familiar band of nerve/muscle pain across my mid back returns within 24 hours! Nevertheless, very rarely,  I do have it. Interestingly, this band of pain does not return if I have a little bit of pure maple syrup or honey or use some dates as a natural sweetener. I think processed, refined sugar (whether white sugar or brown sugar) must really cause inflammation and other problems, at least in my body! We have not consumed artificial sweeteners (those terribly unhealthy, sickeningly sweet neurotoxins in the pink and yellow and blue packets) for many years now. If you’re still doing so, cut it out! (Actually, do what you want, of course. But I would strongly suggest you stop reading right now and investigate for yourself the many dangers of artificial sweeteners until you become convinced on your own to “cut it out”! But a discussion of that topic is beyond the purview of this post.) Bottom line? For sweetness, stick to fresh fruit, pure maple syrup, local raw honey, and dates—and even then, have it be moderate and rare! Walk away from the rest of it!

- Processed foods. I do occasionally have a GF pasta or GF crackers or a GF tortilla of some sort. I choose the “cleanest” possible alternative (fewest ingredients, and all permitted). But in general I try to avoid manufactured foods with barcodes. 

Now, by way of example—here's a specific question I’ve received concerning vegan cheese. It is “cheating” in both the refined oil category and in the processed food category (if store-bought). So I avoid it. I have eaten a pizza at the local make-your-own-individual pizza) place, with a GF crust and vegan cheese. It doesn’t satisfy the “real pizza" craving for me—and it is definitely “cheating”—so I only do this if this is where someone wants to eat out and I’m joining them. It’s happened once or twice, I think, in six months. (NOTE: Now I order the GF crust, get generous amounts of every veggie and fruit they have, and skip the vegan cheese. It's way more delicious without it!) 

There’s a vegan cheese spread at Trader Joe’s I bought once—and it’s delicious!— but it’s highly processed so I avoid buying it regularly. I just make homemade hummus instead and eat that on veggies or GF crackers (which are also “cheating”).

I have saved a couple of recipes for vegan cheese that I plan to try (still “cheating” with oil but not preservatives if I make it homemade) but I haven’t yet because I’m trying to avoid the cheating as much as possible!

My friend Rachel rarely cheats, if ever. She is the one who has rheumatoid arthritis and was wheel-chair bound when she started this. After years of eating this way, she is out of a wheelchair and completely pain-free. Of course she doesn't cheat! She has to eat this way to be able to walk and function.

I have to mostly eat this way to remain pain-free, so I try not to cheat. Since I don't fully understand how and why this has taken away all of my pain (and given me more energy, and improved my sleep), I don't want to mess too much with the variables!

I do notice a return of some pain when I consume processed sugar, so I avoid that pretty strictly. 

I have never cheated on the vegan or gluten-free piece since we started, as I feel certain from all my research that these are very big pieces of the puzzle.

Basically, I guess you will have to figure out what are your pieces that you will allow for "cheating" on, and how frequently. In the words of my daughter to a mutual friend of ours, however: “Don't say it didn't work unless you do it the right way, with no cheating, to see if you get better!"

Read Part 11, What a Typical Day Looks Like

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.