Getting Started with Only Notes from a Phone Call (and a Word About the Weight Loss Piece)

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 5

“What is the name of the program?” This is probably the first thing I get asked most of the time. There is no single “program.”  There is no one book to read that tells you exactly what to do in order to start eating this way. 

I began this whole thing “cold,” before I had read any of the books I have since read about this way of eating. I called my friend Gloria and had a phone call with her about how she applies this way of eating. (This is the mother of my friend with rheumatoid arthritis who has “managed her symptoms away” with this way of eating.) Gloria is a bit "free-er" and “looser” with it than Rachel is, because she can afford to be. She’s thrilled with how much better she feels, all the weight she lost (and kept off), and all the energy she has. (Even in her 70s she’s still working full time!)

NOTE: Gloria and Rachel each shared with me, as a friend, her own dietary practices. Neither was offering medical advice or making any health claims for me to follow, nor am I doing so by sharing the conversations here with you  Always consult your physician before making any health, dietary, or nutrition decisions for yourself and your family  

That said, I offer you my notes from those first phone calls:

GLORIA'S WAY

(She’s a little more liberal and “free” with it than Rachel is.)

Lost 40 pounds (and 5 clothing sizes) and then leveled out and stayed steady

He husband “cheats” at times but mostly eats what she does and has lost 50 pounds. 

NO DEPRIVATION: "Gloria's rule" is eat all you want, whenever you want, from this list

GLORIA EATS:

• All fruit you want anytime
• All veggies you want anytime
• Grains of any kind (except wheat)
• Legumes of any kind
• Nothing with a face or a mother
• No oils of any kind
• No nuts or avocados until you hit your base weight
• No dairy
• No sugar
• No processed or pre-packaged foods

HER USUAL BREAKFAST:

Fresh green juice (celery, cucumbers, lemon, Granny Smith apple, fresh pineapple)

Turmeric root, ginger root (shot)

Oatmeal (with raisins, apple, blueberry)

Side of “larger” fruit (mango, melon, etc.)

Snacks: banana, apple, or grapes whenever she gets hungry

HER USUAL DINNER:

Big green salad w/vinegar (no oil)

Also another dish (grains, veggies, soup, etc.)

HELPFUL PRACTICES:

• Keep prepared dishes in the fridge (veggie soup, one-dish vegan meals)
• Beans—freeze 2 C. in quart baggies
• “The Senate Soup” online but without the ham hock
• Stay proactive with purchasing and pre-cooking
• Clean sweep all forbidden ingredients out of the house
• Order legumes from nuts.com
• Don’t think of what you can’t eat, but focus on what you can have
• Vegan Thanksgiving: Rachel sent formal invitation, sent everyone a recipe card and asked each person to triple it—best family Thanksgiving they’d ever had (all agreed)
• Order Seitenbachen and Rapunzel veggie broth powder online
• Vegan recipes on the internet 
• Coconut aminos, tamari sauce, delicious natural vinegars
• Seasonello salt
• Kroger Italian cut beans frozen
• Gourmet olive oil/vinegar store for natural vinegars (apricot is her fav)
• “How Not to Diet” cookbook

Book: How to Reverse and Prevent Heart Disease (Esselstyn)

RACHEL'S WAY

Wheelchair-bound w/rheumatoid arthritis and could not walk unassisted by crutches or go up and down stairs. 

Substantial turnaround in 6 months

Absolutely pain-free after 3 years

JUST KEEP GOING! Take the long view. This is a new lifestyle. It is not about self-control. Get rid of all food temptations for anything you aren’t allowed to have. 

• Whole food, plant-based diet versus “vegan” (which usually includes processed “substitutes” for animal foods)
• Only single-ingredient foods
• Absolutely no oils ever!
• No pharmaceuticals at all
• NO carrageenan, soy lecithin, other additives—and most allergy substitutes (like store-bought oat milk or non-dairy “cheese”) have these
• No nuts or avocado until you stop losing weight and level out (your “base weight”)
• Eat 2-3 meals per day (for her, at 9,12,4... doesn’t eat past 5 pm)
• Eat to about 2/3 full—never stuff yourself!
• Tu/Th/Su take digestive rest after lunch (skip third meal)
• No snacking between meals 
• Clint Paddison TED talk 
• Take own food to eating events
• Take kombucha, broth to events after 5 pm and don’t eat
• Be a little hungry by bedtime
• Go to bed by 9 pm (9-12 body repair is most important)
• Plant-based diet will be sufficient for health needs of both kids and adults
• Soup, p. 133 of “Oh She Glows” vegan cookbook
• Any vegan recipes, just skip the oils (leave them out) and double the spices
• Never deprive yourself in the morning—It’s not about willpower! You’ll fail with “decision fatigue” over the course of the day
• Do a clean sweep of all no-no’s!
• Go to bed hungry. Do the hard work of being hungry overnight
• Weight loss not swift (1-2 pounds a week average, but not in a straight line). Metabolism adjusts and makes decisions 
• Body does repair at night when you’re sleeping but not expending energy digesting
• Only eat when hungry
• Never allow other family members to bring non-allowed foods into the house
• For her, weight and “body image” self-esteem is no longer an issue at all, mentally—she likes that now, she just never thinks about it, like it’s a non issue

Books How Not to Die and How Not to Diet (Gregor)

So those are the notes from my two phone calls from those women. I have since read many books and watched several documentaries, but initially that's all I had to go on. It was enough!

A WORD ABOUT THE WEIGHT-LOSS PIECE

At four different junctures in my life, I have taken a period of time (from one month to four) and utilized NutriSystem or Jenny Craig food to lose significant amounts of weight. Every time, slowly over time, I gained the weight back when I went back to regular eating. That program, and others like it, are very expensive. They do work to help you lose some weight initially, but it is very challenging to keep the weight off. I cannot in good conscience recommend them for someone looking to lose weight and keep it off.

For me (and everyone I have mentioned that I know personally who has made this change to whole food, plant-based eating), the weight loss has been incidental and not the purpose or point of doing it. The weight loss happens automatically, without your trying to lose weight, and without your being hungry. 

Rachel speaks of a "base weight," which is the weight your body "chooses" for you, meaning that you simply stop losing weight anymore even though you're eating the exact same foods in the exact same quantities (which is as much as you want)! This "base weight" is usually the weight you were while in high school or college, before the typical American weight gain of adulthood began for you. 

I cannot speak to what happens if you go back to the standard American diet after losing weight eating this way. None of us have done it, because none of us want to go back to eating that way once we've made the switch! For Rachel and Gloria, it has been years. For my husband and me, it has been months. (Edited to add: Well, now it’s been several years for us, too. Still same weight. Still never hungry. Still no pain.)

People also ask a lot of questions about the initial week of water fasting, and about the books I've read about this way of eating, so a future post will be about that.

Read Part 6, Some of the Psychological Pieces of the Puzzle

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

My Friend Carole and Her Experience with Diabetes, IBS, and Pain

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 4

Carole is about the most un-kooky person I know. While I don’t know all of her opinions or practices on diet and “alternative healthcare” and natural things—I never have—I do know that my impression of her has always been that she is scientific, she is methodical, she is “medical,” and “she don’t mess around.” She is no-nonsense, and she dismisses out of hand—quickly—anything that smacks of quackery. (I, on the other hand, have been secretly in the closet for years with things that many would consider wacky—chiropractic medicine, home birth, essential oils, skipping the circumcision and vaccinations for my children, homeschooling.) 

But we’re not talking about me right now. We’re taking about Carole, and she is not any of those things. She is reasonable and conventional, and she was reluctantly trying this eating plan because she figured, “What have I got to lose?” Like me, I think she was curious to see what—if anything—would happen. I couldn’t escape the fact that I trusted my friend Gloria and her daughter, Rachel, and I knew they weren’t lying or even exaggerating about the benefits they'd experienced. Much as Carole wanted to doubt this whole thing, she knew and trusted me, and she knew the drastic changes I’d experienced eating this way were real. 

So, the next morning (after the steak dinner), Carole and her husband began this new way of eating. Doug, the diabetic, tested his blood sugar and took his insulin as usual. They ate a full day (of berries and vegetables and legumes, presumably) and went about their lives. The next morning, Day 2 (after only one full day of eating this way), Doug took his blood sugar reading as usual, and it was really low, almost dangerously so. So he took only half of his regular dose of insulin and went about the rest of his day eating the new way. The next morning, Day 3—remember, at this point, they've eaten this way for only two full days—his blood sugar was again almost dangerously low. (And remember, Doug took only half a dose of insulin yesterday!) He became concerned and decided to call his doctor and 'fess up about what they were doing, and ask about his insulin. They told him to just stop taking it, if his blood sugar was no longer high, and to give them a call back if his blood sugar readings went back up. So, since Day 3—after only two days of eating this way—Doug has been off of insulin for the first time in 15 years.

Believe me, I know that sounds like complete BS. I get it. If I heard me telling this story as a stranger, I'd think it was a gimmick and that I was selling something. And totally making up these "miraculous" and "magical" results. But I'm not. You'll just have to trust me on that. Doug, diagnosed with diabetes 25 years ago and taking insulin for 15 years, was totally off of his insulin on Day 3 of this way of eating.

It's easiest to tell you about it the same way I discovered it, which was over text exchange with Carole on 9/24/21:

Me: How's it going? Seriously, I'm dying to know if you're sticking with it and if your pain is improving...

Carole: We are midway through Week 3. Doug has been off of insulin since Day 3. His blood sugar isn't perfect, but it isn't terrible either. Every day he thanks me for saving his life.

Me: And you? Noticing any improvements for you yet?

Carole: I feel great, never hungry, tendon pain mostly gone, no IBS issues at all, Zero. Incredible after 2 decades. (Carole had confessed to me during our lunch that day, that she herself had suffered from terrible digestive issues, including digestive pain and unpredictable diarrhea, for the past twenty years. She never went anywhere without a spare change of clothes in her car, which she often had to use. All of those issues have gone away for her since this switch, just as they have for another friend, Pete.)

Me: I KNOW!! It really is unbelievable to me!

Carole: It's insane. Our diet is, amazingly, even more restrictive than yours, though.

Me: I know. I thought of that! Can he have any grains of any kind?

Carole: Extremely limited (1/8 C). Also no fruit except berries.

Me: Berries are my favorite fruit by far! I'm glad I was willing to seem like a kook that day as I vulnerably shared the weirdness! LOL

Carole: I'm grateful.

Me: I really wasn't setting out to have ANY "converts"! Honest!! LOL

And four days later, on 9/28/21:

Me: How are y'all doing?

Carole: Great. You?

Me: Chugging along. It's getting easier and a little more natural/intuitive (to cook this way).

Carole: I feel like we turned a corner in Week 3 where all of a sudden, it didn't feel oppressively hard.

Me: I felt that way, too! It was really overwhelming for me at first. At least two weeks, maybe three, of feeling it was just way too much. Now it's becoming more natural and intuitive. Still can't think about “forever and ever” and never having the old foods again. I just think about what I can have, and eat this way each day, and the days go by. We feel great! That helps! Are you still thinking in terms of three months, or will you just eat this way for the foreseeable future? I am the latter, I think. Can't think of going back to that pain voluntarily!

Carole: We said 3 months and then reevaluate, but right now I don't see any reason we would stop.

Me: That's how I feel, too. Isn't that crazy? Just like that, our lives are totally changed! LOL

Carole: Becky [her daughter] came over this weekend, saw my kitchen, and said it looks like a health food store! LOL

Me: How's your pain?

Carole: No pain. You?

Me: None! (WHAT?!!) I still can't believe it.

Carole: It is genuinely hard to believe that this simple solution is all it took.

Me: It makes me rather furious about the state of "health"care in our country...

Carole: Yes!!!

Me: I have spent tens of thousands of dollars in tests and procedures and pills over the past dozen or so years, with little relief. And this stupidly easy shift in diet has me pain-free with high energy in a matter of days?! WTH is THAT?!

Carole: I wish some doctor had told us about this when Doug was first diagnosed, before he spent 25 years as a diabetic and 15 years on insulin.

Me: It is infuriating. And not the least of which is the kooky natural people being right! LOL (And I put myself kinda loosely in the kooky natural category, and share my fake scorn with all affection!)

Carole: LOL I think we're both firmly in the kooky natural camp at this point

Me: Yes, I meant that I was "loosely" in that category before. Now I feel like the poster child! It's a little embarrassing, really, when I hear some of the things that come out of my mouth. But I can't not share it if it comes up! It's too life-changing and effective! Did you watch the Clint Paddison TED Talk? The Game Changers on Netflix? Evie [my daughter] had us watch the latter a couple of years ago. I watched politely and then secretly rolled my eyes inside and just put to rest the little internal voice that said, "Hunh. Wonder if I should look into that at all?" But it was just too outside of everything I'd ever heard about health and healthy eating, so I never thought about it again until I found us back here again this year.

And that was our conversation. Carole and I met again for lunch about two weeks later, when Carole was a little over two months into this way of eating. She had lost 30 pounds, has no IBS issues, her pain is entirely gone, and her diabetic husband has been off of insulin since Day 3. 

If you're thinking, "What?! How can this be?!" you're thinking the same thing as both of us. 

So far, I have personal friends who no longer suffer from any of the symptomatology of their discomforts, disorders, and diseases, the list of which is growing by the day: rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, IBS, migraines, depression, and chronic debilitating pain, so far. 

We've also collectively lost hundreds of pounds, without trying, and without ever being hungry—in any way—for even a moment. My friend Rachel says that the weight loss will be steady, though not necessarily in a straight line, until one day it will just stop. You will continue eating the exact same way, in the exact same quantities, but you will level out and no longer lose anymore weight. She refers to it as your body's "base weight," and she says it is something your body chooses for you (i.e., you don't choose it), usually right around the weight you were in high school. (Her mother, Gloria, went from a size 10 or 12 to a size 2, then leveled off and has remained there for several years now.) My husband and I are experiencing the same thing. So far I have lost 40 pounds, and it hasn't stopped yet. The amount of food I eat is obscene. And still the pounds drop off, steadily, week by week. 

I really do feel like anyone who has any sort of physical complaint whatsoever has absolutely nothing to lose by giving this way of eating a try. You never know! If we're any indication, this way of eating can help improve lots of different ailments.

Read Part 5, Getting Started with Only Notes from a Phone Call (and a Word About the Weight Loss Piece)

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

The Basic Eating Plan

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 3

"Are you absolutely convinced of a connection between your pain and your diet?" This was the question posed to me by my friend Rachel when I called to ask her about the dietary protocol that she uses to manage her own life, diet, and pain. Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis as a young mother, she has discovered that eating in certain ways—and not eating in others—has brought her significant relief.

I answered her. "Um, no, not really convinced, I wouldn't say. I suspect that there may be a connection. I did a gluten-free, dairy-free trial at the recommendation of a physiatrist (a pain-management doctor), and I did notice a little bit of improvement. But nothing like what you've said you experienced. Are you willing to talk to me about what you've done, and what you're doing, and how that has gone for you?"

Praise God, she was willing to do so! And in springboarding off of her advice and suggestions—and reading many books and other resources that she has found helpful—I have been able to experience that same kind of relief from the pain and discomfort that plagued me for many, many years.

In a nutshell, since it's all anyone really wants to know just now, here it is. (We’ll get back to Carole and her husband’s story later!)

If you are under 60 years old, you begin with a week-long water fast. (It is also recommended that you do so under a doctor’s supervision, which is absolutely necessary if you are taking any prescription medications for cholesterol or blood pressure or diabetes.) The week-long water fast is difficult and challenging, and I will write more about that whole experience later. Many really good things take place during an extended water fast, and most of my debilitating, chronic pain just went away during that week, never to return. (I know that seems ludicrous, and I realize how unbelievable it sounds. But it’s just true!) 

It is not necessary to begin with a fast, however, and many friends of mine who have shifted to this way of eating have begun eating this way without doing the fast—and with equally amazing results. So, after the fast—or just diving right in without doing one—you begin eating what is known as a whole food, plant-based diet.

What you consume (all organic):

any and all vegetables
any and all fruits
any and all legumes
all whole grains (except wheat and barley)
limited amounts of raw nuts, seeds, dried fruit, and avocado

What you do not consume:

no meat
no dairy
no gluten
no refined sugar or sugar substitutes (very limited honey or pure maple syrup are permitted)
no alcohol
no processed/packaged foods
no processed oils of any kind
no pharmaceutical drugs

There are so many details about all of this, and I will happily be posting all the things I found super helpful, in case anyone wants to try this. But that is the bare-bones skeleton to get you thinking. If you're at all like most of us, you will probably dismiss it out of hand and never give it another thought... at least until you find yourself with some pain, or debilitation, or brush with death via heart attack or stroke, or digestive issues, or diabetes, or, or… and the Lord brings this idea back into your mind, some days or weeks or months or years from now.

In the meantime, go watch the Clint Paddison TED talk on YouTube. Go watch Forks Over Knives on Amazon Prime. And Game Changers on Netflix. It's pretty compelling stuff. It will at least give you some food for thought (pun intended!) as you decide if you are ready to consider any of these changes for yourself. So far, no one I know personally who’s tried it, hasn’t experienced dramatic and significant improvements in their health as a result. 

And that brings me back around to Carole, my friend with the diabetic husband, whom we left on Day 1 of their new eating plan…

Read Part 4, My Friend Carole and Her Experience with Diabetes, IBS, and Pain

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

A Reluctant Herald

The Change That Changes Everything, Part 2

Three months or so ago I had lunch with an old friend. At the time, I was a couple of months into the new eating plan I have adopted, so I had chosen the restaurant—a delicious local Mediterranean spot with an extensive vegan section to their menu. She had graciously traveled to my part of town to join me there, and much of our conversation that day centered around discussion of the new, "weird" eating plan my husband and I had adopted. 

I sheepishly, reluctantly told her about what we had done [begun with a week-long water fast] and what we’re now doing [eating what I called at the time “vegan on steroids”]. Even though Carole is a good friend who knows me well, I felt shy and silly telling her about my experience. (To this day, to discuss it with anyone makes me keenly aware that I must sound like a snake oil salesman pushing something kooky. I don’t prefer to talk about it much—sheepishly keeping it to myself—except when I occasionally feel compelled to shout it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen!) 

Those who know me well, or are in regular contact with me, know… simply because there’s no “not noticing” if you see me in the flesh. First of all, I am about 45 pounds lighter than I was before I started this… and I am in no pain. As in none. ZERO. (This still seems unreal to me, and probably wouldn’t really be believed, except that these people know me well, and they have walked with me through the challenges of unexplained chronic pain over almost two decades. So when I hike eight miles or take a car trip to Vermont, they know something is really, really different! Besides just the 45 pounds.)

I told Carole about the extended water fast that opened this plan. We discussed 'autophagy' and 'cell renewal' and all manner of medical-sounding things. I told her about the food we eat now. I told her about all the specific pains I'd had before the fast, including a daily pain in my right thumb and first two fingers and wrist, which had made writing and grasping challenging, and playing the piano nearly impossible. She told me that she had pain in the exact same spots—and had been wearing braces and supports to try to alleviate it—and that she actually had a doctor’s appointment the next week to see about next steps toward treatment. I remember saying, “Well, my friend, it sounds like it’s providential for you that we had lunch together today!” I was not really serious, though, because I knew she wasn’t ever going to do this thing that my husband and I were doing, even though she had the exact same pain in her hand that I’d had for months (and which had gone away on day two of the fast, never to return). My newfound energy, slimmer physique, and lack of pain notwithstanding, I just knew that no one was ever going to try this crazy thing. It’s too drastic, too counter-cultural, too all-encompassing. 

Turns out I was right… sort of. Carole told me later that when she left the restaurant that day, she thought, “Wow! She looks really great. And she feels really great. And no pain! Unbelievable! But there’s no way in hell I’m doing that.” 

Three days later, though, she called me and asked me for the names of some of the books I’d read about this way of eating. I took screenshots of the covers and texted them to her. And the rest, as they say, is history. 

Carole’s story is at least as unbelievable as mine, and takes us solidly from “I’m not really sure I believe you” to “This absolutely cannot be true.” But she gave me permission to share her story, too, so here goes.

One of the books I had mentioned to her was the old Fasting and Eating for Health that I had read years ago when Rachel had first eliminated the symptoms of her rheumatoid arthritis. I had pulled it back out and read it again, in preparation for our starting this new eating plan with a week-long water fast. Carole went to the library to try and get any of the books I had recommended, and—not surprisingly!—she didn’t find any of them. She did, however, find another book by that same author, Joel Fuhrman, entitled The End of Diabetes. Since Carole’s husband is diabetic—and since there were no other of the books I said I’d read —she checked it out and began reading it. She confessed later that her first thought as she began reading this book was, “This is the kookiest thing I’ve ever read, and this guy has to be a quack.” (I’ve never read that particular book, but his other book—and many others that I have read—absolutely seem impossible to believe initially. If they’re telling the truth, you think, it’s really compelling stuff. But you can’t imagine that if this is true, everyone in the medical community doesn’t know about it and isn’t advocating it... so you read on in this strange blend of curiosity, disbelief, elation, and fury. I can relate to her initial reaction!)

She quickly finished the book, then asked her law professor husband to read it and tell her if it was kooky. He did so, and agreed that yes, it’s kooky. “But why don’t we try it? So we eat mostly vegetables for three months! That’s no big deal.” They had steak for dinner that night and then began the new way of eating recommended in that book the next morning—and it was even more restrictive than our new way of eating because, as a diabetic, Doug can only have limited quantities of grains, even healthy whole grains.

I didn’t know that any of this was going on at the time, however, and only heard this story several weeks into their journey. I share it here, with her permission, only to broaden the list of situations and ailments that are helped by this lifestyle shift. 

They ate steak that night—the “last hurrah” of meat for what they figured would be a 12-week trial to “see how it goes.” And now... brace yourself! Because here’s where it gets even more unbelievable. 

Read Part 3, The Basic Eating Plan. 

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Start the story at the beginning with Part 1.

The Change That Changes Everything (Part 1)

This morning I hiked 8 miles. 

Last month I took a family trip to Vermont...  riding in a car… for 14 hours over the course of two days… 

Neither of these things is really all that remarkable, unless you consider the fact that, a few short months ago, I would never have been able to do either of them. 

Every morning of my life, for at least the past decade, I had awakened with varying levels of chronic, unexplained pain… climbed slowly out of bed onto painful ankles and feet… hobbled gingerly across the room, unable to fully straighten up until I’d been moving for at least 5 or 10 minutes. My knees hurt. My lower back hurt. My hips hurt. My wrists and elbows and shoulders hurt, and my fingers felt stiff and swollen and painful. A terrible band of aching "nervy" pain across my mid back would intensify over the course of the day—every day—until I would hit some point in the late afternoon and have to soak in a bathtub… or have a back rub… or take some medication… just to make it to the end of the day. I regularly had migraine headaches, which would land me flat on my back in excruciating pain, hiding away in darkness and silence until things passed over the ensuing hours or days. 

I tried everything I knew how to—and I ended up having spent tens of thousands of dollars on every idea and possible solution that both conventional allopathic and alternative medicine supposedly had to offer. (I'm not exaggerating here!) I’ve seen MDs, PAs, DOs, orthopedists, chiropractors, naturopathic doctors, physiatrists (pain management doctors), physical therapists, massage therapists, myofascial release therapists. I had complete allergy testing, hormone profiles, bloodwork, X-rays, MRIs, CTs. I tried ice packs, heating pads, water jet therapy, acupressure, trigger point injections, dry needling, prolotherapy, essential oils, CBD products, a TENS unit, an inversion table, analgesic patches, micro-current therapy, steroids, cortisone shots, NSAIDs, opioids, neurological drugs like gabapentin, and experimental drugs like LDN that had to be filled at special compounding pharmacies.

I suppose the point of sharing this litany of symptomatology and attempted treatments is to make it clear that, by the end, I was in terrible pain… and that I had spent considerable time, money, and effort—over many years—to get to the bottom of it and to attempt to find relief. But my pain only increased, slowly but surely, as the years went by. 

Several years ago, when my pain was constant but still relatively mild, I heard about a childhood friend of mine, younger than I, who had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in her 30s. Her illness had progressed to the point that she was walking with crutches, at times wheelchair-bound, unable to walk unassisted or go up and down stairs. Her mother is a dear friend of mine, and she had shared about how her daughter had tried a new dietary protocol... having slowly and gradually found relief over many months. She was now, a year and a half later, fully mobile and functional, with no pain at all. I rejoiced with her mother as she shared this story of healing, and I asked for the name of the book she had used to guide her in her new eating protocol. I was told there were several, but to start with Fasting and Eating for Health by Joel Fuhrman, MD. I promptly ordered the book online and read it immediately. 

“Well, this can’t be right,” I remember thinking as I read it, realizing—however many pages in—that he was advocating a meat-free diet. I had traveled through many paradigm shifts in my understanding of "healthy eating" over the years, and I had eventually landed on a philosophy that advocated a diet of mostly home-cooked foods that included home-baked whole grain breads and sourdough, raw milk obtained through a cow-share program with a local dairy farmer, grass-fed beef and free-range chicken and other high-quality meat products, free-range eggs from local chickens, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, homemade cultured products like kefir and kombucha and yoghurt and sauerkraut. We were healthy eaters, I thought, and certainly not consuming the "standard American diet" (SAD). I finished the book, put it away on a shelf (literally and figuratively), and continued about my life. 

Fast forward several years, and my pain was now debilitating. I was desperate for answers, and I was out of ideas where to turn. The pain was present all over my body, in all my joints, and I was pretty much convinced that I must have rheumatoid arthritis. I made an appointment with the most-recommended rheumatologist  in my town and had a full blood work-up. After a couple of weeks, the results came back. 

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news first?” she asked me. 

“I don’t know,” I remember answering, bracing myself for the worst. 

“You do not have rheumatoid arthritis. (Pause.) That’s the good news and the bad news. You do not have any of the autoimmune disorders that usually lead to this kind of pain… no RA, no lupus, nothing of the sort. Your bloodwork is normal.” 

I remember feeling tears spring immediately to my eyes, spilling over onto my cheeks then trickling down to my chin and dropping off onto my chest. And they were not tears of relief, either… though of course I was thrilled not to have rheumatoid arthritis! But at least it would have been an answer. A diagnosis—that ever-elusive thing that all folks in unexplained chronic pain seek—would at least have a new protocol and regimen attached to it, which might offer some hope of doing something… anything… to try to fix the terrible pain. 

But alas, no. I was being sent to a physiatrist… a pain management doctor… the place where they send you when there’s nowhere else to send you… when they’ve stopped trying to diagnose you because they’ve given up hope that they’re going to find anything fixable and are just trying to help you manage the discomfort by a variety of means, all of which I’d already tried. I was devastated. 

I came home. Cried. Prayed. Talked to my husband. 

Then I went to see the physiatrist. Again. (I’d first seen her almost twenty years ago.) She put me on drugs, which I took… and sent me to physical therapy, which I did… and did injections, which I suffered through… and told me to go on a gluten-free and dairy-free dietary trial for 6–8 weeks, which I balked at. 

“No,” I informed her. “My daughter’s wedding is three months away, and I am going to eat the food at her reception.” 

She told me to start the restricted eating that very day—and to complete the trial before the wedding—and so I did. I went gluten- and dairy-free for eight weeks in early 2020, just at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic during which my daughter had a modified outdoor beach wedding with a few family and friends. We had to shift gears and change plans and modify everything several times, and it was a terribly stressful and challenging time. 

We all have our memories of those early pandemic days, full of uncertainty and fear and sacrifice… the loss of dreams (and modifications of plans) that accompanied those difficult times. Did the gluten-free, dairy-free trial during that time take away my physical pain? No, it did not. 

Did it help at all? I feel certain it must have—at least a little—since I was navigating those dark days of <plan, grieve, re-plan, grieve, shift gears, plan again> with some measure of success and functionality, handling the added stress and workload better than I would normally have handled the "regular" days of my usual life. And the massage table in my bedroom had been put away. This symbol of my pain—the near-daily necessity of a back rub just to be able to get to sleep without drugs—had been put away during the wedding days because it was taking up a lot of room and wasn’t needed every day anymore. 

The wedding came and went. The GF/DF eating came and went. I ate the food at the reception. I ate the food at the family reunion beach week that followed. Then I returned home to my usual diet and my usual life. Slowly, ever so slowly, the pain began to increase again. The massage table came back out. The back rubs and bathtub soaks and CBD massages all returned, just to get me through the painful days. I fidgeted around the idea of going GF/DF again, but I really didn’t want to do it. It was terribly inconvenient and unsatisfying, and a real nuisance to pull it off. And it hadn’t actually alleviated my pain. It had helped a little, maybe… but was the little bit of relief worth the whole lotta pain-in-the-butt of eating gluten- and dairy-free? I wasn’t so sure. 

Then I remembered my friend with rheumatoid arthritis, Rachel. I called her mom back—several years later now—and asked her about the eating regimen she herself was on… about exactly how she had applied the dietary protocols she had voluntarily taken on several years earlier in solidarity with her daughter, when her daughter had begun the eating plan that forms the basis for my new way of eating. 

I didn’t know at the time that it was really a conglomeration of the practices of several doctors and practitioners, each with a slightly different twist on what is fundamentally the same recommendation—an eating plan known as a whole food, plant-based diet. And so began my eating adventure... and the beginning, for me, of the change that changed everything.

Read Part 2, A Reluctant Herald.  

NOTE: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. You should consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you’re seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not a medical professional or healthcare provider, and I have no professional medical, nutritional, or dietary credentials. You yourself are responsible for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon any information or advice appearing on this site. 

Even on This Train Track

How do I hear a whisper in the midst of all this noise?

Staying home, and still they find me.

Stuck inside, and yet they penetrate the quarantine walls.

No invitation necessary.

No welcome needed.

Not even an open door

(Or a tightly closed one)

They're just here.

In my mind.

On my screen.

In my heart.

In these walls.

Where is the still, small voice?

I awaken from fleeting sleep and

(Blessed, elusive sleep)

stumble into the bathroom.

In a daze

And a haze.

For just one blessed second

Before the train rounds the corner and

Blows its awful whistle

Of reminder.

For one brief, transient moment

I walk in a glorious sea of forgetfulness

Before that relentless train

Smacks into my pummeled soul once again

I look across the hallway

And I see you there

Seated

Battling a difficult math problem

Or maybe just trying to muster the will

To do an easy one

Their way.

No matter.

Just as it comes into focus

The image is gone.

Like you.

And I can't get you back.

How can you be gone?

Your beautiful self

Your beautiful smile

Your gifted eye

Your clever retort

Your very being

Vanished and irrecoverable

I feel the tears spring to my eyes

And quickly fill them to overflowing

Again.

Tears trickling down familiar lines

I am weeping again.

Again.

I fight the urge to bury this pain

Deep

Where it can't hurt me

(Yeah, right)

Where it can't find me

(Hello again)

The grinning, terrifying voice

Of the Accuser

Haunts me

I will not hide.

You prepare a table right before me

In the presence of my Enemy.

This grief

This blame

This guilt

This threatened hopelessness

It is here again.

Again.

I turn to face it

Embrace it

Bring it to Your loving hand

I will fear no evil

No Evil

Even in this Valley

Of the Shadow

Of Death

I will walk through

("The only way out is through")

And find peace

Goodbye, dear Joshua.

Snuggle in.

Your Father is glad to have you Home

The Shattering of That Beautiful Glass

I can't find any words.

Usually the poems write themselves

In the wake of the pain

Or the joy

Or the confusion

Or the wonder

And the mist

And the tears

And the laughter

And the longing

Swirl and pour onto the page like, like

Like what?

Like that damn river you posted on your Instagram

The page we didn't even know about

Until you were gone.

You are gone.

I can't believe you are gone.

For a moment I'm convinced 

I can see it now.

Should have seen it.

Should have known.

It's hazy

But clear

Clear as mud.

Maybe made up.

Maybe the product of a grief-strained mind

And a broken heart

Awake for more hours than makes sense

Leaving me unable to make sense

Out of senseless things

And this is senseless.

Infuriating.

Excruciating.

Heartbreaking.

Unreal.

I cannot make my brain believe it

Or my heart receive it

Or any part of me accept it as so.

This cannot be so.

I try to ignore the little glimmers

On the Instagram page.

The one you hid from us.

I close my tear-stained eyes.

I whisper to myself

It's just the artistic kid

With the camera and the good eye

Capturing the beauty of a risky moment

You stare down the gaze into swirling waters

You prance on the ledge of the narrow bridge

"I want to go back" 

and "Take me with you"

and "Don't say you were there for me

when I've been walking alone

my whole life"

"Don't slip under the surface"

You capture the shattering of that beautiful glassy ice

And I can't believe the sound of it.

It plays over and over in my mind.

The drop that destroys

Leaving us shattered

"You're going to be alright, I promise"

Only we're not.

We're not alright.

Staring down the chasm of grief

I reach into my memories

For your sunny self

Full of love

And joy

And jokes

Josh joshing

I swallow hard

Past the lump in my throat

And choke down the tears that try to come again

This.

Can.

Not.

Be.

True.

But it is.

And I cannot wrap my brain around it.

Cannot make my heart conform

To this particular truth

I know that you are finally held

In the arms of your loving Father

The true One

The One who never left you

Or forsook you

Even in the final moments

Of blinding pain

And poor judgement

Those moments do not define you.

That one choice is not the totality of your life.

You are freed from the noose

Of a horrible choice

Into the arms of your Savior

Who held you all along

And holds you still

Now whole, and healed

Forgive us for our part in your pain.

Forgive us for the selfish choices we made.

Forgive us for the ways we did not see.

Forgive us, Josh.

Forgive us, Lord.

Quiet Miracles

My near-daily walks with these little guys is one of the quiet (though not unrecognized!) miracles of my life right now. Four generations of us—some combination of iivo and me, my dad, EV, Ronald, and these little boys—traipsing around this neighborhood we’ve lived in for most of the last four decades. Paired with three dogs and a large double stroller, we’re quite the scene, I’m sure!

Indignation at the Inevitable

The inherent frustration

In the changing

Of the meaning

Of a word

Over time

Has me irritated

Flustered

A little bit pissed, even

When did voluptuous

Betray me

And cease to mean sensuous?

Prone to sensual enjoyment?

Yes!

Relating to

Or characterized by

Sensual pleasure?

You betcha!

Full of delight

Or pleasure 

To the senses?

Yes sir, indeed!

Why did big tits get to highjack

My perfectly good word

And render it backward?

Awkward?

Off?

They’ve tried to hijack everything

The bodacious imposters

And they’ve almost succeeded

One too many men spoke of the voluptuous woman

And one too many a person 

Who didn’t know that big ol’ word

Assumed it referred to those big ol ‘things—

The charlatans

And assumption

Became connotation

Became presumption

Became fact

So I can’t be voluptuous anymore

Just like you can’t be gay

Or lusty

Perfectly good words

Gone askance

And askew

On the way to their new home

No matter!

I’ll be voluptuous

And you be lusty

And we’ll roll around in our holy lust

Till the world tilts a little

And the angels will sing

© 2019 Laurie Sitterding

----------------------------------------

My entry for the September 2019 prompt—"Lust"—at Poets Online
"Our September prompt is lust, in one or more of its forms. Consider all levels, from intense sexual desire to a strong longing, or even the obsolete meanings of pleasure, delight, wish, or craving. Surprise us."

Just So

Nobody moves anything anymore.

It all stays put.

Just so.

Exactly where I thought I wanted it

Back when I didn't know better

Back when little fingers touched everything

Took everything

Or it just went walking

Somewhere

Anywhere but where it goes

We built these trains

And laid the track

Of this life

One little piece at a time

Little locomotives

And steam engines

To run away with my heart.

Or maybe just over it.

Leave it gasping, frantic

For just one screw

Out of place.

Something.

Anything

To step on.

Anyone

Underfoot

If these floors could have told me, they would have

If these walls could have warned me, I'd have known

That every little block

And shoe

And piece of everything

Would one day stay put.

Just so.

We built these engines that ride off the rails

And carry a piece of my soul

On the way to get a cheeseburger

In a new town

With a new best lady

I found my tweezers just the other day.

How I wish to God they were still missing

Instead of you

© 2019 Laurie Sitterding

Words of Expectant Hope

Almost 25 years ago, a couple knocked on our door—and the doors of our hearts—with a box of warm Kristy Kreme doughnuts and an announcement that we were going to be fast friends. Three days ago, I held this dear friend’s hand for the last time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Our friendship over the years was complicated and complex... deep, and fierce, and fragile at times. We were like family. We loved, and served, and forgave each other, through much of life’s struggle and fear and joy and pain. At times, we hurt each other deeply. There was judgment, and misunderstanding, and betrayal, and anger. But there was also faithfulness, and commitment, and a steadfast clinging to the pursuit of unity in Christ. We grew up together. We matured together. We knew each other through every iteration of pride and judgment and arrogance, and yet we somehow made a way to find the best in each other and presume a heart of good will from each other. We served one another, at times selflessly and without thanks, and in the end we found that none was needed... not really.

Since that day many years ago when my friend shared with us that she may have found a lump in her breast, I have prayed for her body, and her family, and her spirit. When she needed to turn the chairs inward and fight this battle without me for a time, I prayed. And trusted. And served. And waited. Restoration and reconciliation—though incomplete this side of heaven—are beautiful to behold, and even more beautiful to live.

This valiant warrior was never more lovely to me than the day I took the clippers to her beautiful raven hair, watching it fall to the ground in waves, like my tears. She is the bravest woman I have ever known, battling this scourge that sought to defeat her body for so many long, painful, wearying years.

I have been preparing my heart for some time that she might be called to leave us some day way too early, even as I desperately hoped that our faithful God—whom I knew could—would choose to heal her. She knew it, too, and hoped it to the bitter end, even as she gave us all the strength to trust along with her that He does all things well.

Even on the day that He called her home to be with Him—her body struggling to breathe and her mind no longer able to grasp our presence with her—she called upon the name of her faithful God to help her. I want faith like that, like my dear friend Darla’s... faith that is so deeply woven into my very being that it clings to my soul and spirit, even as conscious thought and communication have failed... and that erupts from my lips in words of dependence and expectant hope and trust, when all other words have been said. "Help me. God, help me."

My dear friend, I am so grateful that I got to spend those several hours with you just before He called you home. It was a blessing—to me—to speak to you, even though I wasn't necessarily sure that you could hear me or know what I was saying. I do believe our human spirits perceive, in some sort of awareness and communion and fellowship... and that our heavenly spirits know and understand things that our conscious minds can no longer grasp. I'm so glad I got to tell you one last time what a good wife you were, what a good mom. To hold your hand and touch your arm and stroke your beautiful hair. To thank you for your faithful friendship. To assure you that we would take care of Ken and the kids. To tell you that it was safe for you to go. That you had fought such a brave, good fight... that you were almost home. To quote to you the 23rd Psalm... which would have seemed trite had the words not felt so perfectly right and true. Those are the words He gave me, so those are the words I gave you. The Lord is my Shepherd. Green pastures. Still waters. The valley of the shadow of death. I will not fear. Thou art with me. Guides my path. A table before me. Goodness and lovingkindness. I will dwell in the house of the Lord. Forever and ever.

It was a privilege and an honor to share those sacred moments alone with you, and then to witness your sweet Kathryn and your precious Ken as they reached out to hold your hand or touch your arm in your restlessness—"I'm here, my sweetheart. What do you need, my love? I'm right here"—and to see you settle down, comforted and quieted.

"This is part of the deal," Ken had told me. "This is what we sign up for, on our wedding day. 'Till death do us part.' It's hidden there, in plain sight, right in our wedding vows." I witnessed the most sacred of things in that room that day... the palpable love of a man for his wife—flawed and human, yes, but sacred and powerful and astonishing... wild, and fierce, and rearing its head to be sure it was known and perceived until the very last breath.

Well done, good and faithful one. So very well done!

I am so glad that you are now in heaven, dear Darla, where there is no pain or sorrow or cancer. I wish I could have loved you better. I wasn't ready to be finished learning to love you well. I miss you. The world is less beautiful without you in it. Your beautiful voice is missing as I worship. But I know that you are now “absent from the body and at home with the Lord,” and I can only imagine the glories in which you now live. And from which you now sing.

I look forward to our reunion in heaven, where there are no tears or pain or ability to misunderstand or hurt one another ever again. So go ride your horse in the horse corner of heaven, my sweet friend. I'll see you soon...

Chopin Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I am standing in my kitchen
Like a thousand other mornings
Of a lifetime of mornings
In silence.
Deafening silence.

Every morning of my life
Every year of my life
For decades of my life
Was a soundtrack

Brahms and Bach
And Bela Bartok.
And Ludwig.

Schubert and Schumann
And Shostakovich.
And Wolfgang
Amadeus.

They played for me.
Butchering and mastering.
Neither mattered.
Both were grand.
And all was beauty.

Every forgotten sharp
And shaved note
And curse under the breath of frustration
And tears
Were background noise I forgot to take in.
Hours a day
Of an ordinary, extraordinary soundtrack.
And I missed it.

And I miss it.

The music.
Doesn't.
Play.
Anymore.

Louder than it ever was
Is the silence
And the longing
And the ache
In the wake.

Chopin doesn't live here anymore.

© 2017 Laurie Sitterding
----------------------------------------------
My entry for the February 2017 prompt—Music and Memory—at Poets Online.

Isn't that the way they say it goes?

Okay, so I haven't written here in a long time. I didn't make it past August in the 12-Months of 2015 Blog Challenge. We started eating cookies again sometime in the middle of the year. And the daily journal writing is only semi-daily, at best. I didn't even try to do a 2016 Blog Challenge.

Sigh. Isn't that how it almost always goes? The resolve in the resolutions is only so resolute, especially when the lure of the flesh rears its ugly head. And so there are no posts these days. But not because I don't think big thoughts. Just because I don't have the stamina to write them down just now.

The Plural Possessive Refresher We All Need, Even Though No One Wants It

...And Just in Time for Christmas Cards!


I bring you the following Public Service Announcement, from your friendly grammar-girl editing professional. This is just in time for Christmas cards, in case you want to have them grammatically correct.

(If you know what's correct, and you choose to knowingly do it wrong because "you don't care if it's wrong because you think it looks better that way"—you know who you are!—then this post is not for you. Carry on.)

However, if you really do want to have it right, but grammar was never your big thing, here you go. (I really am a Grammar Geek. I have always loved it. Weird, I know, but true!)

See below for all the helpful grammar rules. With examples. And maybe even your last name—or one similar to it—so you can get it right if you want to. 

And this is all you're going to get. Because, after all, this:

Plurals and Possessives of Names
If you have a straightforward name that doesn't end in any problematic letters, things are pretty straightforward:

* Lucy Clark

* Lucy Clark's book

* Lucy's book

* the Clark family

* eat with the Clarks

* eat at the Clarks' home (because it belongs to all of them)

* Love, the Clarks (not Love, the Clark's)

The main "rule" to remember is that you never, never, never form a plural with an apostrophe. Just don't. (Yes, those of you "in-the-know" grammar types realize that this statement is not technically 100% true, because you do make the plural of a single letter using an apostrophe, but that is rare, so for now, just remember that all ordinary plurals—including your family names—do not use an apostrophe. Ever.)

If you happen to have one of those names that ends in a letter or letter combination that requires creating an interesting plural before adding possession, you have some special things to learn regarding your name.

PLEASE NOTE: Microsoft Word does not get this right. It can't read your mind, and it doesn't know how many people you mean. If you have auto-correct on, it will often change your word to something wrong even if you typed it right. It does not necessarily know more than you do.  It is not always right! Just be careful and check your "think-it-knows-better-than-you" auto-correct function—don't just accept it as right because Microsoft Word said so!

These are the correct forms for your "exceptional" name:

* Chris Sanchez

* Chris Sanchez's book

* Chris's book (NOT Chris' book)

* the Sanchez family

* eat with the Sanchezes

* eat at the Sanchezes' home (NOT the Sanchez's home)

* eat at the Sanchez home (my personal preference with these kinds of names and spellings, since it is seemingly less strange)

* Love, the Sanchezes (NOT Love, the Sanchez's) or Love, the Sanchez family (less awkward)

This is true for other names, as well:

Esther Cavendish

Esther Cavendish's book

Esther's book

the Cavendish family

eat with the Cavendishes

eat at the Cavendishes' home (NOT the Cavendish's home)

eat at the Cavendish home

Love, the Cavendishes (NOT Love, the Cavendish's)

Patsy Fahs

Patsy Fahs's book (NOT Patsy Fahs' book)

Patsy's book

the Fahs family

eat with the Fahses

eat at the Fahses' home (NOT the Fahs's home)

eat at the Fahs home 

Love, the Fahses (NOT Love, the Fahs' or Love, the Fahs's)

Rita Cox

Rita Cox's book

Rita's book

the Cox family

eat with the Coxes

eat at the Coxes' home (NOT the Cox's home)

eat at the Cox home

Love, the Coxes (NOT Love, the Cox's)

Mike Church

Mike Church's book

Mike's book

the Church family

eat with the Churches

eat at the Churches' home (NOT the Church's home)

eat at the Church home

Love, the Churches (NOT Love, the Church's)

David Monteaux

David Monteaux's book

David's book

the Monteaux family

eat with the Monteauxs 

eat at the Monteauxs' home (NOT the Monteaux's home)

eat at the Monteaux home

(Note that this is "wrong" in French, because the name is Monteau, and Monteaux is the correct plural. But often, during Americanization, French family names keep the -eaux form, thereby "messing up" the plurals and plural possessives forever!)

Love, the Monteauxs (NOT Love, the Monteaux's)

Mike Teixeira

Mike Teixeira's book

Mike's book

the Teixeira family

eat with the Teixeiras (NOT the Teixeira's)

eat at the Teixeiras' home

eat at the Teixeira home

Love, the Teixeiras (NOT Love, the Teixeira's)

Rose Williams

Rose Williams's book (NOT Rose Williams' book)

Rose's book

the Williams family

eat with the Williamses (NOT the Williams's)

eat at the Williamses' home (NOT the William's home or the Williams's home)

eat at the Williams home

Love, the Williamses (NOT Love, the Williams's)

Heather Jones

Heather Jones's book (NOT Heather Jones' book)

Heather's book

the Jones family

eat with the Joneses (NOT the Jones's)

eat at the Joneses' home (NOT the Jones's)

eat at the Jones home

Love, the Joneses (NOT Love, the Jones's)

EXCEPTION: Ancient Classical names have a special exception to these rules. So, though it is correctly written Davis's message, it would be Moses' message, Jesus' sermon, or Socrates' teachings. Maybe someday Davis will be ancient and famous enough for us to refer to Davis' message, but for now, it's just wrong.

So, there you have it. Do with it what you will...

And also, to balance things out, here's a great article: "How to Quit Being a Grammar Snob." I'm not quite there yet, but I'm 100% better because of the author, my friend Brian Wasko, and his influence over the past several years. Thank you, Brian. (And yes, I'm still working on it. Especially this time of year!)

Gentle Advice for Those Going On Mission Trips

This is a guest post by my friend Katie Adams...wise words from a wise woman with much experience working with orphans and mission teams!

With mission trip season fast approaching can I offer some gentle advice from this adoptive mom of a child raised in an orphanage (and having worked in Nicaragua for 13 years)?:

1. Focus on the staff, not the kids. These caretakers work 24-hour days caring for the children you are visiting. They’re the ones changing diapers, washing hands, disciplining, loving, and teaching these children you’ll visit for a few short days. THEY need to know you care about them and support them more than the kids. Ask them their names, what they do – ask about their families and why these choose to work for typically far below-average wages – ask if you can help them and how you can pray for them. Care for them first.

2. Talk, don’t touch. You are probably one of several visiting teams. Constant physical affection from strangers is confusing, often unwanted, and can have long-lasting impacts on being able to appropriately bond with others. It may be cute that some kids run up when you arrive and want to hug, but it’s a sign of inappropriate attachment. These kids need to learn to bond well so instead of hugging, holding hands, and having them sit on your laps (please NO!) ask them questions – get them to spend time in a group playing a structured game. Basically ask yourself: “How would I treat children if I walked into an average American public school kindergarten room?” Do that instead.

3. Don’t call them “your” kids. They’re not. Hopefully someday they will be reunited with safe, loving family members or adopted. Unless you are one or the other you are visiting. Pray for their families, their potential future families and their current orphanage family…and be grateful for the opportunity to visit. 

4. Don’t make promises – just pray. These kids have had more promises made to them by visiting teams than you can imagine. Your wishes may be very well-intentioned but these kids take promises to heart far more than you can imagine and constant disappointment adds to their already fragile understanding of trust. The best thing you can do for these children is to encourage their caretakers, financially support their orphanage, and pray. 

I am incredibly grateful for the staff at Hogar Puente de Amistadorphanage who raised my daughter for nearly 6 years. And yet every summer I see teams walk by all of these incredible orphanage staff workers who never draw attention to themselves and miss out on their stories.This mission trip season I would LOVE to see photos of visiting teams with orphanage workers even more than the kids they care for. Get to know an orphanage staff worker this summer – they truly are heroes wearing invisible capes! ‪#‎imetahero‬